Live.Laugh.Love.

She Said I'm Leaving, And That's The Way It Is.

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 13:00:07 GMT

Yes, I'm leaving livejournal.
I started this blog forever ago, and not only has it brought me nothing but trouble, but it's also not me anymore.
I've started a new blog, but I'm keeping it anonymous as it should keep away the problems I had with this blog
(people twisting my words, thinking I was talking about them, or other ridiculous issues).

So this is goodbye.
x.

Sat, 15 Aug 2009 19:40:42 GMT

It's nights like these that get me down. The ones when I can't see where my life is headed, or if anything will work out the way I need it to.
I doubt myself, and I doubt my ability to do even the most simple of tasks.

Every day it gets that little bit harder to plant a smile on my face and pretend everything's ok.
I'm so damn tired of pretending.

It's no wonder people turn to drugs and prostituition.
It's really the only way to live an easy, carefree life anymore.

There are so many basic things that I want to be able to do, and yet I find myself exhausted after trying to do any of them.

Studying has been everything my life has been leading up to, and yet the possibility of even being able to do that just keeps getting slimmer and slimmer.
It sickens me how hard it is to do here what is considered overseas as the right thing to do.

I hate this person I've become; this self-hating, isolated whinger.
And yet in so many ways, I chose this.
And now I cannot stop.

Who would've thought you could ruin your own life at the tender age of 10?

Today, I realised

Sat, 27 Jun 2009 21:38:25 GMT

I am okay.

I always thought there would be some event that would get me back on my feet, but it turns out that's really not what I needed.
My religion has always brought me peace, and it is exactly what I needed to get me back on my feet.
I turned my back on it last year, and I'm quite disgusted by the person I became.
So now I'm making amends.
I don't ever want to be that weak, that dependant, ever again.
I am so much stronger than that, I just needed something to remind me.

Here's to fixing my mistakes.

I have so much ahead of me.

University struggles.

Mon, 22 Jun 2009 13:05:31 GMT

I am utterly at a loss as to what I want to do with myself.
I know I want to study Psychology, I just don't know where.
If I stay in Victoria, I can afford a car, and I won't be really tight on money.
However, I'll be going to Swinburne, because I can't get into Deakin straight away, and I really wanted to go there.

If I go to Queensland, I won't be able to afford a car, but I'll be living on campus and at a uni I'm happier with.
Money will be tight, and I'll be moving away from all of my friends and family, and I'm not sure if it's worth it for a better university degree.

I also may have the option to do one trimester up in Queensland starting in September of this year, which could increase my chances of getting into Deakin, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to be spending 4 months on my own interstate.
Plus if I go, I'm scared I won't come back.

There's also the option of studying in England, which I'm actually most comfortable with, however it would be a lot harder to get out of if I change my mind.

I am terrible with decision making.

Genetical scepticism.

Thu, 21 May 2009 15:47:19 GMT

I'm reading the most brilliant book at the moment.
It's called Nature via Nurture by Matt Ridley, and it's honestly making me want to change my entire career.
It's all about genetics, evolution, and research psychology, and it's fantastic.
I've never read a book that's intrigued me so much.
The only problem I have with it is that there is so much information in it that I want to learn more about that I seem to only be able to read a few pages at a time.
Not that it's really that big a problem, it's just taking me forever to get through it.

I seriously can't wait til I'm doing my PhD, just so I can write thesis on things like this.

Dramatic families.

Sun, 10 May 2009 15:43:14 GMT

I hate watching your life fall apart.
I hate knowing I can't do a thing to stop it.
And I hate that I always have to be the strong one.
When do I get to give in?

Musings.

Thu, 07 May 2009 22:29:45 GMT

These days, I don't know where my life is headed.
I have my destination, but the path towards it is so unwritten I feel like I'm staring at blank pages.
I've always known where my career was going.
But I've never settled on a particular place to live, or thought about who I will end up spending my life with.
Some days I am so alone.

I see friends in long-term relationships, and they're happy, so I'm happy for them.
And as much as I love to see the people I care about so elated, there is a part of me that just longs for someone I can depend on.
I've never been one to settle down, and perhaps that is my weakness.
I'm too temperamental, too judging, too brutal, and in the end I'm the one that's alone.

They say timing is everything, and that's always rung true, although I'm noticing it more and more.
Perhaps I screwed up the timing, and that's why I am where I am now.
Am I better off?
Perhaps.
But am I happier?
I guess I'll never know.

I can't wait to write my own path.

Missing friends.

Sun, 22 Mar 2009 18:18:17 GMT

Everyone seems to be searching for someone to connect to.
And yet, while people are trying so hard to make a connection, any kind of connection, I am busy pushing people away.
I don't really have so many friends that I can afford to be picky, but I still am.
Truth be told, I used to have far too many friends to be able to hold onto them all, but I'm afraid I've let go of the wrong ones.
You see, I'm scared of people getting to know the real 'me', so I push out the people who get too close.
So now I'm left with empty places where some of my favourite people used to be.
And I'm not sure how to fill the gaps...

Current ponderings.

Wed, 04 Mar 2009 06:53:40 GMT

I'm not a normal person.
I don't find pleasure in normal things.
I would prefer to read a book than go shopping, to have a conversation than to go to a club.
I never understood the point of going to a concert. If you have the cd, why bother?
I've been to concerts, and I've liked them, but I still don't think they're worth what I've paid for them.
I'm strange like that.

Lately, everyone's talking about our economy failing.
Economies all over the world failing, actually.
I don't really know that much about how these things work, but as far as I'm concerned, if our dollar is so much lower than the US, UK, and half of Europe for that matter, then I don't really think we're 'so much better off than everywhere else' like people keep saying.
People are losing their jobs all over the world, and I'm one of the lucky people who is currently looking for a job.

So, I've been offered this amazing opportunity to go overseas to this series of conferences for upcoming scholars, and I'm not sure if I can go because of yet again, cash flow issues.
The same reason why I can't study at my dream university, why I can't live where I want to, and why I haven't bought anything new in the last two months.
I don't like to complain, and I really do appreciate everything I do have that many others don't, but sometimes I wish I could take advantage of all of the educational opportunities I am given that I just don't have the money for.
How are people supposed to further themselves if there is no opportunity for scholarship for anyone but the ridiculously poor or those in America?
If someone wants breast implants, they can get the money from a perfect stranger, but if someone wants to further their education, they either have to get perfect results throughout their entire schooling career, or they have to come from a rich family to start with.

When I've finally made it to where I want to be, I'm going to set up a scholarship fund for people who are in the same situation I'm in right now - broke, stuck, and longing for schooling.

Two options.

Wed, 11 Feb 2009 01:57:36 GMT

Last night was a typical night for me.
A strange situation, at a strange hour of the night.
My favourite visitors arrive at two am.

I had two options.
Both would've put two friendships on the line.
So I took option three.

The old and the new create a whirlwind of surprises.
There is such a contrast between your approaches.
Yet both seem to send shivers up my spine.

Last night was filled with all the things I've been missing lately.
Even if it did leave me with a headache in the morning.

Life is complicated.

Three years.

Sat, 10 Jan 2009 13:28:48 GMT

And I still feel alone.

Time passes.
More memories fade away.

Months pass slowly, but at least they pass.
Tears fall from my face like crystals from a chandelier.

Others come, and go just the same.
They don't care for sad smiles on pretty faces.

These days, my eyes are almost permanently forest green.
Sky blue was the color you brought out in me.
Others cannot unlock this secret hue.

It does get easier, day by day.
Still, you took the easiest route.
I'm still swimming across the sea, while you're already waiting on the pier.

Three years is a long time.

And I still miss you like it was yesterday.

Forever yours, my love.

22 today.

Sat, 03 Jan 2009 15:36:31 GMT

Strangest feeling yesterday.
I finished the last book in the Twilight series, and felt utterly.. at peace.
I've never been affected by anything as much as this series affected me.
I don't know if it's the timing that made it seem so more significant, but this was just.. amazing.

The feeling I had, was one I've never had anything like before.
It was like experiencing every emotion at once.
I was euphoric, and melancholic.
Confused, and yet I'd never seen clearer.
Numb, and yet completly aware of everything.

It was.. something else.

My first love should have turned 22 today, and instead he's 6 feet under.
Apparently this makes me an immature and selfish brat because I don't want to go out when I'm likely to break down and wreck everyone's night.

I wish that people could empathise.
At the same time, I wish that no-one would ever have to empathise.
I couldn't truely wish this pain onto anyone.

It gets easier, as each year goes by, but it's still not simple.
He will always hold a place in my heart, and nothing's going to change that.
Learning to live with it is just harder than I'd like it to be.

You let me down the other day.
You said I could depend on you, and I tried to, and you walked away.

There are two people that I want to talk to right now, both of who are currently interstate.
So I'm having to rely on myself.
I've always been a solitary person.

Maybe I really am meant to be alone.

End of 2008.

Wed, 31 Dec 2008 20:50:49 GMT

And what a journey it has been.
Every year I learn more; I get stronger, smarter, and more independant.
As usual, this year has been a year of ups and downs, but I've come out on top.
The saying 'eight steps forward, seven steps back' could seriously describe my life.

I've loved, and lost.
Made new friends, and become reaquainted with old ones.
Finished year 12, at the age of sixteen.
Sat double the amount of exams that I needed to.
Finally got id again.
Had the worst low points and the greatest high points of my life.
Made some stupid mistakes, that I'll regret forever.
Made some clever mistakes, that worked out better in the end.

Overall, I've noticed that my life is very much the same.
There are always new adventures, and I enjoy every bit of it, but it's still a cycle for me.

I've realised this year, that I can accomplish anything with a little bit of sacrifice.
So here are my new years resolutions:
1. Tick a least 5 things off my list of stuff I want to do in my life.
2. Save up enough for my volkswagen golf.
3. Exercise at least twice a week.
4. Keep preparing for my Psych course.
5. Stick to my instincts.

Considering I've never made new years resolutions before, I'm making 5 this year to catch myself up.

Happy new years, sugars.

An old best friend's birthday.

Wed, 24 Dec 2008 21:45:06 GMT

Ha wow.
I am such a retard.
Sitting here looking at pictures of my old best friend, and I'm crying.

I don't think I realised how much I missed her until now.
But looking at pictures of the family that had practically adopted me when I was younger, I realised how long it's been since I've seen them.
Three years, at least.
And it was years before that since we've been close.
Looking at Ruby, and how much she's grown is what made it sink in the most.
And looking at Alice, and realising how good she used to be to me.

Wow, I am so silly.
But I think I finally understand why people keep the same friends for so long.
They'd miss them otherwise.

Life is curious.

Birthday weekend - Christmas eve.

Wed, 24 Dec 2008 13:33:23 GMT

I had the strangest thought today.
'This time last year, I was having really bad sex.'
It got me thinking.

I realised that a lot of the things that have happened recently, are actually similar to last year.
Same situations, different people.
Still just as entertaining.
By December, I'm always in the best mood.
Perhaps it's my birthday, christmas, or just the promise of good weather.
Whatever it is, December is always a brilliant month for me.

Friday night, I had a bunch of my favourite people round for birthday drinks.
Dear lord, that was a good night.
I remember about as much of this birthday, as I do of my last, and that's not much.
Note to self; never take midori shots AFTER champagne.
That's what screwed me up the most.

Two bottles of champagne, two midori shots, and a bottle of white wine.
All of this led to a broken pair of shoes, many lost memories, and me falling all over the place because I refused to take off my stillettos.
One of the best nights so far.

Had a random message from a certain person who I think wanted to wreck my birthday, but it didn't work.
I've decided I'm ingenius when drunk, because I came up with a better comeback than I ever could've sober.
Not that I even remembered it ha.
Finally got to bed at 5.30, but was told I wasn't allowed to sleep til 6.
Spent the next half hour saying "Can I sleep yet?" every two minutes.
Cutest answer ever; "No, because I have a feeling this could be a once-only thing, and I don't want to waste it".
My night pretty much ended the same way this year as it did last year, minus the 7 extra people in my room.

Spend the next four days with Jessica Rose.
We literally only spent 35 minutes apart, and that was only because she went home to shower haha.
Saw Twilight twice, which was beautiful. I want Edward Cullen.
Pretty much survived on pizza and birthday cake.
And played Maplestory for at least 10 hours.
We're kinda nerds.

Went to Chadstone at 2am yesterday, which was soo busy.
Finally finished my christmas shopping.
I'm making christmas lunch tomorrow, first time ever.
Really hoping everything goes to plan.

Merry Christmas everyone!
Hope you're all as happy as I am right now.

Life is merry.

Apologies, revelations and changes.

Sun, 30 Nov 2008 08:18:26 GMT

So I just wanted to start by apologising to everyone that had to put up with my emotional shit this year.
I've been through a lot, and I probably wouldn't have gotten through it if it wasn't for a certain few people.
My depression affected me so much this year, and I think I've finally gotten through it.
I won't say that I don't have moments of weakness, but at least now, I'm back to being myself.

I find that so much changes in a year.
I'm never friends with the same group of people that I was the year before. Never.
I find new friends, and run out of time for old ones.
Some people are friends with the same group of friends for most of their life. I don't do that.
So I've decided I want to stop doing that - losing old friends.
I'm going to make time to see people I haven't seen in months, years even for some of them.

It's funny, I never see my own weaknesses until they manifest in other people.
I blamed people for never saying when there were problems to be fixed, when I did exactly the same.
Even now, I'm only just realising all the things I've done wrong this year.

I had some very interesting conversations last night.
It's funny how stories change the more you tell them.
I don't really know what the truth is anymore, but I don't really care either way.
Whatever it was that actually happened, it doesn't change the end result.

Ohh funniest thing wednesday night. This guy who's like 25 wants to take me out.
Which would be like tj and jess all over again.
Not gonna happen anyway, since I don't like him that way, but I found it amusing.

Life keeps me entertained.

A new chapter of my life.

Sun, 23 Nov 2008 10:56:45 GMT

This one has come to an interesting end.
I'd say 'bad', but honestly it worked out kind of well for me.
Can't say the same for everyone that's been a part of my life in the last couple of years.

I've lost best friends.
Some are physically gone, others have just chosen to walk out of my life.
I've made friends with people that I didn't really think existed.
And they are amazingly wonderful.
I've still got a lot of people who mean the world to me.
Even if I don't always have time to see them.
I've started at new schools.
And finally finished, after finding the perfect one.

Everything that I've been through this year, all the fights and friends I've lost, have taught me so much.
And I wouldn't change a single thing that's happened for the world.

I've drunk, danced, and partied my ass off.
And I've found that I'm at my happiest when I'm alone.

Here's to new friends, new experiences, and the next amazing chapter.

Intelligence is sexy.

Thu, 20 Nov 2008 02:21:46 GMT

He makes me smile.
But I'm still not sure if I'm ready.

Life is.. complicated.

Fri, 14 Nov 2008 01:28:36 GMT

I wish I posted on here when I was happy.
That was as long ago as.. yesterday.

I FOUND MY FAVOURITE CHOCOLATE.
I haven't seen it since I left Germany.
Then yesterday, I walk into this chocolate shop, and there it was!
That just added to my amazing week.

Bit of a down point yesterday, when I found myself the topic of a conversation between two people I barely know.
But then, it's their lives, I guess if discussing my life is the best thing they've got to do with their time, I should leave them be.
I always said I wanted to be famous ha.

I still miss my best friend.
I find year by year, I change friends, always with a bunch of separate groups.
But I never quite expected to lose you, which I guess is why this is coming as such a shock to me.
Still, I'm learning to deal.

I'm tired of the bullshit.
Summer is for relaxation.

Concerned.

Fri, 14 Nov 2008 01:16:30 GMT

Someone knows more than she should.
And if it's because of you....
That's inhumane.

If you don't want to be friends with me, I can learn to deal with that.
It's not what I want, but I can learn to deal.

However, giving away my secrets?
That's just disgusting.
You knew how long it took me to trust you.
So, why do you have to prove to me that it was even more of a mistake than I already thought it was?

I can't trust anyone anymore.
I guess that makes me 'back to normal', if normal for me is betrayed, hurt and alone.

Always alone.

FINISHED.

Wed, 12 Nov 2008 03:43:38 GMT

And feeling uber amazing.
I haven't felt this good in a very long time.
Just knowing that I don't have to study anything I don't want to, ever again is incredible.

Nothing can bring me down right now.
I am invincible.

I don't really know what I'm feeling right now.

Thu, 30 Oct 2008 18:39:27 GMT

I know I should be nervous, but I'm really not.
Less than 4 hours until my english exam.
And I'm not even concerned.

It's funny, I should be really scared.
I've barely studied, which is so unlike me, and yet I'm perfectly calm.
Is it going to hit me harder?
Or am I going to stay this way - mindbendingly numb.

It hurts when you realise you can't afford your dreams.
I think that's why I've stopped trying, stopped caring.
I've lowered my standards, and frankly, it's soothing.

I can't sleep tonight, or the last couple of weeks.
You cured my insomnia, but now you've made it worse.
Worrying about not worrying, what a strange situation.

I want to care about something again.

I've lost my best friend.

Tue, 28 Oct 2008 09:37:36 GMT

And now I'm lost too.
Come back to me, lover.

I miss your kisses, and soulful eyes.
Your peace that inhabits me, that numbs my constant pain.

I know that I deserve this.
Everything you're doing to me, is because of what I did to you.
I deserve everything you can throw at me.
I just trusted you not to.

I wish I could take it all back.
Everything I did, every time I hurt you, knowing perfectly well what I was doing.
I wish you'd understood that I was testing you.

Tomorrow's going to hurt again.
But I'm going to have to put up with it.

Payback really is a bitch.

Today.

Tue, 21 Oct 2008 02:45:50 GMT

Breathe in, breathe out.
Take a breath, don't break down.

Stabbing pains.
It would be easier if my emotional pain didn't manifest physically.
You always knew how to hurt me the most.

Your words flicker like fire in my head.
The simplest phrases can hurt more than paragraphs.
Two years of improvement, and you put me back to the start.

You always liked me broken.

Three months of torture, all for this.

Sat, 18 Oct 2008 22:25:06 GMT

"Don't bring Laura to Bang, because I hate her."
I can't believe you even fucking said that.

Fuck you babe. Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you.
I wish I had a water pistol to spray you with right now.
You deserve it, and you damn well know it.

You've been screwing with my head for three months now.
And that's not including the five months we were together.
Then you turn around to our friend and tell her you hate me.
After spending most of the weekend with me.
Just four days later, you hate me.

What was it I did that made you hate me?
Was it the fact that I gave you everything you ever asked from me?
Or that I left you alone for an entire night around our friends, because I realised you didn't feel like talking to me?
Or perhaps it was the fact that I cleaned your house for you in the morning?

Your friends always hated how you treated me.
I wonder now if they knew all along, that you were screwing with me.
I always wondered if this'd happen after you got what you wanted from me.
If you'd just fuck off and leave me to pick myself up off the floor.
Funny thing is, it's your friends that have been helping me do just that.

I've never been so hurt in my life.
You fucking cunt.